


Deserving of second chances

by dreigiau



Series: A future worth fighting for [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Comfort, F/F, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:14:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27066223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreigiau/pseuds/dreigiau
Summary: Spoilers up to 2x111.Silence falls over the Nein following their brief trip back to the Amber Road, and for Beau the silence just makes the pain worse. In an effort to comfort Yasha after everything that had happened that evening, she finds a little comfort for herself.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha
Series: A future worth fighting for [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1988308
Comments: 12
Kudos: 143





	Deserving of second chances

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this during the mini-hiatus but didn't get around to posting it until now...so I guess it's canon-divergent?

Silence had descended on the party as Caleb began to draw the arcane circles on the ground, preparing to take them back to Zadash. 

Beau’s hand was still wrapped tightly in Yasha’s and she was no longer sure whether it was for her benefit or for the Aasimar’s. It didn’t matter. 

Nothing mattered.

Nothing but Molly. Or _whoever_ he was now.

The Nein stepped into the circle and out into the familiar surroundings of the chamber below the Zadash archive. It was only then, as their unexpected arrival prompted guards to hurry down to them, that Beau released Yasha’s hand to stand between them and her friends, her Expositor status granting them the freedom of the Archive once more.

She missed the warmth, she realised as the group made their way silently through the now familiar building and out onto the streets, the warmth and the security that having her hand wrapped in Yasha’s had brought. But that wasn’t important. Not now. 

They walked silently through the city, seemingly on auto-pilot, to meet up with Yeza and Luc. Veth spoke quietly with her family, the rest of the Nein standing a little way away, and once the Brenatto’s rejoined them they made their way to an inn for the night. 

The only real sound, as they all huddled in one of the rented rooms, was the fall of countless tops as Luc repeatedly gestured his finger and let them fall from the new ring his Mother had purchased him. 

Beau was antsy. Her boot was bouncing impatiently on the dusty wooden floorboards as Caleb began casting the spell to conjure the tower. She glanced briefly to Jester who had, uncharacteristically, been silent since telling them what she had seen through the scry. Beau wanted to reach out for her best friend, wrap her in a hug and tell her that everything would be okay, but Fjord already had his arm around her shoulders, anchoring her. 

Perhaps a few months back this might have prompted an unwelcome twist in her stomach, but not today. Not now. Her feelings for Jester had dampened, and another thread of hope had began to bloom inside her chest. 

And so now, as she watched the way Fjord held the blue tiefling close, Beau could simply be happy that someone was looking out for her friend, and in return she could focus her own attention on making sure Yasha was alright.

“Woah!” 

The voice caught Beau’s attention and she lifted her eyes to see the doorway to ‘Widowgast’s Nascent Nein-sided Tower’ had appeared. 

“That is so cool!” Luc was grinning at the doorway now. 

“Ja, Luc, would you like to be the first one through?” Caleb offered and honestly Beau felt her chest swell with pride at how her friend was pushing through the pain that was overwhelming the rest of the group in order to keep Veth’s child happy. 

“Yeah!” Luc beamed and glanced to his parents for permission before reaching out for the door and disappearing through it. 

Veth, Yeza in tow, was next, followed by Caleb. Caduceus was next followed by Fjord gently leading Jester through. 

“After you” Beau muttered to Yasha, she didn’t need to look to know the other woman’s eyes were on her right now. 

Yasha hesitated before stepping forward and then disappearing. With a heavy sigh Beau followed. 

“-take the boy up to our room” Beau caught the end of Veth’s words as she stepped over the threshold into the lower chamber. 

“You will come back down though, yes?” Caleb asked gently, his eyes full of worry. 

“Sure” Veth nodded and glanced at her family. 

“We should have a drink, discuss what happened tonight”

“Let me just get Yeza and Luc settled”

Caleb nodded. 

Beau sighed. 

A drink and discuss what happened? That didn’t sound like how she wanted to spend her evening.

Molly was alive. Or at least some version of him was. 

What was there to discuss? 

\---

They had all sat around one of the long bench tables in the tower’s dining hall, Caleb’s cat servants promptly delivering tankards of ale to them all (even Jester and Caduceus seemed to be partaking). 

“Okay?” Fjord asked softly as Beau took the seat to his left. 

She nodded, hands cradling the tankard in front of her. “Yeah. Yeah I’m okay, man” she muttered. She didn’t want to be a burden, and knew that Fjord had taken it upon himself to make sure that Jester was alright. 

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Yasha take a seat on the other side of the table, between Caleb and Caduceus, and Beau couldn’t help but think about how much calmer she had felt with Yasha beside her, their hands in one anothers. 

She let her eyes look over the rest of the party, everyone looked as deflated as she felt. 

No one was speaking and it was making her anxious. 

“Perhaps we should all finish our drinks and then get an early night?” 

It was Caduceus who spoke, less affected by tonight’s revelation Beau supposed. 

And when no one else said anything she felt the pain inside her morph into anger and frustration. “How the fuck are we supposed to sleep, Caduceus?!” she found herself shouting across the table. 

“Beau…” It was Fjord who spoke up, of course it was, he was always trying to stop her being an asshole. 

“No Fjord” she growled in response. “Molly is fucking alive. Why don’t any of you want to talk about that? You just want to sit here in silence, drinking and sleeping and forgetting that he’s out there?!”

“Beauregard…” Caleb this time. 

She let out a heavy breath, looking up to meet his eyes. 

“We are all hurting” he said his words carefully, slowly, the way he often did. “And we deal with that in different ways”

“Fuck you, Caleb”

He had been the one that had been so keen to go to Molly’s grave after all. This was his fault. 

Caleb sighed, squeezed his eyes shut a moment before looking back at Beau. “This is no one’s fault, Beauregard -”

“Don’t, Caleb” she warned. 

He sighed once more, lifted his tankard and finished his drink. 

“I am going to bed. Guten nacht” he glanced around the room, eyes landing on Beau once more before he turned and left. 

Beau rolled her eyes and lifted her own tankard once more. Around her she could hear the rest of the group saying their goodnights, she refused to look at them, too irritated. 

And when she next looked up, expecting to be alone, she found the mismatched eyes of Yasha staring back. 

“Thought you would be gone too” she muttered and turned her gaze back down to the almost empty tankard. 

“I didn’t want to leave you in here alone” she responded simply. 

Beau sighed heavily. Of course Yasha was being kind, whilst Beau was being an asshole as usual. 

“Come on, Beau” she said softly. The sound of wood scraping against the floor was enough to signal that Yasha had stood from the bench and when Beau looked up once more she saw that Yasha was waiting patiently for her. 

The monk hesitated for a moment before finishing off her drink and standing too, following Yasha slowly to the door, ready to head to her room and continue her moping alone. 

But as they walked side by side Beau thought about the comfort that Yasha’s hand in hers had brought earlier, the comfort she had hoped it had offered to the other woman too. 

“Hey Yasha” Beau lingered a few feet from the Aasimar as she approached her room.

“Is everything alright, Beau?”

Beau smiled. There was just something about the way Yasha spoke, the softness, the concern. And not to mention how nice it sounded to hear her own name on the taller woman’s lips. 

“Yeah. Yeah” Beau nodded and lifted a hand to the back of her neck, rubbing it nervously. “I just - fuck -“ she was meant to be good at talking, right? “I don’t think you should be alone tonight” she mumbled, eyes averted from Yasha. 

_“I don’t want to be alone tonight”_ lingered on the tip of her tongue. 

“Oh” Yasha was staring at her, a little wide eyed.

“Fuck. Sorry, I didn’t mean for it to sound uh-“ Beau groaned frustrated at herself and her inability to put together a sentence. “I’m not trying to - I’m just - this whole thing with Molly, it’s pretty fucked up” she tried to explain. “And I know you were close to him so -“ 

“Not being alone sounds nice” Yasha admitted, her voice barely a whisper.

“Yeah?” Beau lifted her head, let a tentative smile crossing her lips. 

Yasha smiled in return and butterflies invaded Beau’s stomach.

“Maybe we could go to your room?” Yasha suggested and Beau’s eyes widened.

“My room?” She responded, eyebrows raised as her mind began to race.

Yasha nodded. 

“Hey Yasha, I know you made that comment about the mirror but -”

“My room has a straw mat instead of a couch…”

“Oh” Beau blushed, immediately feeling like an idiot. “Yeah, right. Of course -” 

_Fuck. Way to look like an idiot._

She hesitated a moment, trying to collect her thoughts before nodding and leading Yasha to the room with the symbol of the Cobalt Soul on the front of it. 

“You’re right though, my room doesn't have the mirror either…” Yasha quipped as she followed Beau through the door.

The monk stopped in her tracks, mouth going dry as Yasha brushed carefully passed her as if she hadn’t just caused Beau’s brain to malfunction with just a few words. 

“Huh” Beau muttered to herself, staring blankly for a moment before she pushed the door closed behind them. 

When she turned she saw that Yasha was standing a few feet from the comfortable looking couch, that Beau had yet to use. The look on her face told Beau that she had no idea whether she ought to sit or not. 

“You can sit” Beau muttered, and then realised her voice sounded a little harsh and quickly offered Yasha what she hoped was a friendly smile. 

Yasha returned the smile and sat down on the edge of the couch. 

“Drink?” Beau asked though she was already pouring two glasses of an amber liquid that she assumed was whisky. 

“A drink would be nice” Yasha nodded, mismatched eyes carefully studying Beau. 

“Rough day, huh?” she sighed heavily as she made her way across the room, pressing a glass into Yasha’s hand before sitting beside her on the couch. 

Silence fell between them once more. 

And with the silence came the realisation that she hadn’t been alone with Yasha in _months_. 

She could hear her own heartbeat, pounding against her chest. Why did Yasha make her so nervous? 

“So -”

“Molly -”

They both began to speak at the same time, because of course they did, and the two women turned to one another and laughed nervously. 

“You go -”

“You first -”

Yasha sighed softly, eyes falling shut as she closed her eyes, amused by their timing once again. She lifted a hand and gestured to Beau to go first. 

“Oh I was just - Molly huh?” she raised her eyebrows slightly and took a sip of her drink, the burn of the whisky soothing on her throat. 

“Yeah” Yasha’s voice was practically a whisper, her eyes opening as she looked up and met Beau’s gaze. “I don’t - I mean, he always said that he’d come back to life before...” Her tongue darted out, licked her lower lip before her teeth gently bit into it. Beau swallowed and averted her gaze. “I just - I didn’t think that...I suppose I was scared to hope…”

Beau nodded. 

“Yeah” she sighed softly, eyes on the floor beneath them. “Such a Molly thing to do, huh? Let us mourn him and then crawl out of the fucking ground and start a new life without us” she took another sip of her drink. “Asshole”

Yasha smiled sadly, she knew Beau meant it affectionately, knew that Beau and Molly had grown to care for one another in the end. 

“Do you think -”

“That it’s him?” Beau finished Yasha’s question, blue eyes lifting to meet Yasha’s. She shrugged. “I don’t know. Do you?”

Yasha shook her head gently, teeth still digging into her lower lip as she thought over her answer. “There’s a part of me that hopes it is” she whispered. “But there’s another part that hopes it isn’t…”

Beau was silent for a moment, letting Yasha have a moment to say something else if she wanted to. 

“Because if it is him it fucking hurts that he didn’t come back to us?” Beau eventually asked when Yasha said no more.

Yasha nodded, eyes meeting Beau’s briefly before looking away. 

“Yeah” she whispered, eyes staring ahead of her as she thought over everything, as she fought to keep the emotion and the pain from creeping into her voice. “But also -” she sighed softly, eyes still staring blankly ahead of her. 

Beau hesitated a moment, she wasn’t very good at comforting people, or dealing with emotions but she cared about Yasha. She cared about all of the Nein, of course. She shifted slightly and reached out, placing her hand cautiously on Yasha’s knee, squeezing gently in a way that she hoped was comforting. 

The touch was enough to catch Yasha’s attention, the Aasimar lifting her gaze to meet Beau’s, the smallest of smiles tugging at her lips. 

And in that moment Beau felt her chest swell with that overwhelming adoration she felt for this woman. A feeling that she was finding herself having to deal with more and more often these days. 

It was more than the simple attraction that it had started out as. And that was terrifying.

The two stared at one another for a moment before Yasha’s larger hand covered Beau’s, entwining their fingers in a way that made Beau’s heart skip a beat or two. 

Was she really so far gone that Yasha’s touch alone could do that to her? 

Yasha exhaled slowly and found the strength to continue, bringing Beau out of her own dangerous thoughts. 

“When I first met Molly - we seemed very different to another....”

Beau laughed softly. “Yeah, pretty different” she agreed, remembering that first morning that she had met the two. The loud and flamboyant tiefling, and the tall, brooding barbarian. If only she had known back then how important they would become to her. 

“But we just - we sort of gravitated towards one another I suppose” she explained, a small smile on her face at the memory. “He was so welcoming, so kind to me when I had nothing. I didn’t even really know who I was, and he was the same” she took a deep breath and Beau squeezed her hand gently once more and if it hadn’t been for that desperate need to understand what Yasha was thinking right now she didn’t think she would have been able to distract herself from the feel of Yasha’s hand in hers.

“I suppose we bonded over not really knowing who we were. He used to tell me that none of that mattered, all that mattered was who we were going to be”

“Sounds like Molly” Beau muttered, voice a little more gravelly than usual and it was absolutely not the emotion building inside of her at the thought of Yasha feeling so lost and unsure of who she was. “Self assured bastard” she added affectionately and Yasha smiled briefly. 

“I’ve been so afraid of my past for as long as I can remember. Terrified of who I am” Yasha continued in a whisper, and Beau smiled sadly as she thought about everything that had happened to the other woman in the short time they had known one another. 

“I know you, Yasha” Beau’s promise came out a little brokenly, damn her emotions. “We all know who you are” 

Yasha was their friend. She was an important part of the Mighty Nein. A fearsome fighter, but more importantly a gentle and caring friend to them all. 

“You’re exactly who you want to be, you’re forging your own path and it’s - fuck, it’s amazing to see Yasha” Beau admitted softly. “Your past doesn’t -” she paused, furrowed her brow a little and shook her head. “Wait, no. Your past _does_ matter, but it doesn’t define you or your future”

Yasha lifted her head to meet Beau’s gaze and a silence fell over them for a few moments before Yasha finally spoke. 

“Thank you, Beau” her voice was so soft, softer than usual. “That means a lot,” she admitted. “I’ve been worried for so long about my past, about who I was, but I think - I think I’m getting better…”

“Yasha” Beau shook her head slightly. “You’re not ‘getting _better_ ’” she insisted. “You’re already pretty fucking amazing” she shrugged nonchalantly, hoping that Yasha wouldn’t dwell too much on the meaning behind her words. “So no, you’re not getting better, you’re just finally having the chance to be yourself again”

Yasha’s breath caught in her throat at Beau’s words and she forced her gaze away from the monk, biting her lip gently. 

It still amazed her that she had friends now. The entire Mighty Nein. She had a family. 

And somehow, amongst all of that she had found herself willing to open her heart again, and Beauregard was quickly forcing her way inside. In a way, it’s exactly what she would expect from the loud and sometimes brash woman. A woman who, it turned out, was also incredibly caring. 

Beau was pretty perceptive, and it didn’t take too much for her to realise that her words had caused Yasha embarrassment, and so she continued. 

“You know, maybe it’s happened to me too, right?” she suggested, eyes closely watching Yasha’s now somewhat hunched frame. “I uh, spent so long being a rebellious asshole, sticking it to the man, not giving a shit about anyone but myself” she shrugged, she wasn’t precious about speaking of herself that way, she knew she’d been a jerk before the Mighty Nein. “And well, I guess I’m still a bit of an ass” she laughed softly, squeezing Yasha’s hand in the hopes that the barbarian would look at her again. “But I like to think I’ve grown, you know? That I’ve finally found my place, that I’m finally comfortable with being able to just - to just be myself” she sighed softly, when the fuck had things gotten so personal? Weren’t they meant to be talking about Molly? 

“I like you, Beau” 

Beau’s eyes widened slightly, her throat going dry. 

“I mean, whichever version of you that you want to be” Yasha quickly continued, and Beau was sure that she saw Yasha’s usually so pale skin beginning to redden. “I’ve always - you’re pretty uh, you’re pretty great” she nodded and quickly averted her eyes. 

“Yeah” Beau nodded. “Yeah, I am, huh?” she agreed, flashing a small grin in Yasha’s direction. It was so much easier to act the self-assured asshole than actually deal with the way it felt to hear Yasha call her great. 

Even if she knew, deep down, that Yasha only meant it in the way that she would say it about any of the Nein. 

Yasha laughed softly, lifting her head to look at Beau once more. 

Beau bit her lip and glanced away for a moment, taking another sip of the whisky. Fuck, she needed to get better at acting normal around Yasha. What had they even been talking about?

“Molly!” 

Beau’s sudden exclamation of their fallen friend caused Yasha’s eyes to widen, probably a little taken aback by the sudden outcry. 

“Fuck, we were talking about Molly, right?” 

“Yeah. Yeah we were” Yasha agreed softly. 

“Are you like - are you scared to see him again?” Beau asked. 

“Yes. Very - very terrified” Yasha admitted, voice soft, and Beau desperately wanted to reach for her hand once more but this time she was scared. 

“I am hoping that he, that Molly, is still in there somewhere...” she nervously licked her bottom lip, eyes searching Beau’s. “Even if he doesn’t have his memories, I want him to be able to find his real self like I’ve been able to”

Beau smiled sadly. 

“He might need his friends to help with that, huh?”

Yasha nodded. “Yeah. Yeah I think he might” she raised her glass to her lips and finished the whisky. “And even if Molly isn’t the real version of him...well, Molly was a part of him and I would want to give whatever version he is now a chance”

Beau stood, reached out and took the empty glass from Yasha’s grip, busying herself with refilling them. 

“You know, a year or so ago - I would have said people don’t generally deserve a second chance” Beau admitted, her back to Yasha as she poured the liquor, though she could feel the heat of the Aasimar’s stare. 

Yasha was silent, let Beau continue. 

“I didn’t think I deserved a second chance. Or any chance really” she whispered, and Yasha felt an ache in her heart at just how lost Beau had been before the Mighty Nein. “Maybe I didn’t” she shrugged as she turned and handed the glass back to Yasha, refusing to let their eyes meet as she took her seat back down beside the other woman. 

Yasha wanted to say something, wanted to assure Beau, but she didn’t know how. 

“But I got it anyway. With you guys” she smiled weakly, eyes staring ahead of her as she took a sip of her drink, taking comfort in the burn of the alcohol down her throat. “Second chance at being a part of a family” she whispered, turning her head slightly to glance at Yasha, not expecting those mismatched eyes - the same eyes that haunted her dreams of late - to be looking right back at her. 

The monk’s heart skipped a beat once more, because apparently that was what happened when Yasha looked at her now. 

“I think perhaps -” Yasha began, eyes still searching Beauregard’s, “that all of us - this group, we are each other’s second chance” she whispered and Beau felt her heart swell at the thought of that, the idea that maybe all of this, the Mighty Nein, it meant the same to each and every one of them. 

Beau opened her mouth to speak but she couldn’t find the words. She was too overcome with emotion, with the love she felt for each and every one of this rag taggle group she called her family. To hear Yasha, a woman who chose her words so carefully, phrase it so simply - it was a little overwhelming, to know that perhaps what she felt for this group was reciprocated. 

They needed one another. And they wanted one another. Wasn’t that what a true family was? 

Beauregard Lionett had come such a long way in the time she had known the Mighty Nein, and to think that she had been searching for all along had just been a family? Well, that was a little overwhelming in itself. Past Beau would never have accepted it. But the woman that she was now, well, she had no problem with it. 

“And I - I’ve had more than just a second chance” Yasha laughed nervously and Beau let her eyes drift to meet the barbarian’s once more. 

“What do you mean?”

Yasha hesitated, swallowed nervously and then let her gaze fall to the exposed skin of Beau’s stomach, and the beginnings of the jagged scar that she knew likely ran the entire length of her chest. 

It seemed to take a moment for Beau to realise what Yasha’s eyes were focusing on but as she did her own eyes widened slightly. “Oh” she cleared her throat a little nervously and shifted in her seat a little in the hopes of hiding the scar. “That uh -”

“I hurt you, Beau” Yasha whispered. It was something they had never really spoken about. The last time that Yasha had tried to bring it up Beau had quickly brushed it aside. But it still plagued Yasha’s mind each day. Filled her nightmares almost every night. “I hurt all of you, but especially you -” 

She could still see it, the way Beau had lay broken beneath her, helpless to escape the rusted, jagged blade as Yasha had driven it into her - dealing what should have been a death blow. 

Yasha would spend each day for the rest of her life thanking every God to ever exist for the strength that Beau possessed, that tenacity that had somehow allowed her to cling onto that last thread of life until Jester had been able to get to her. 

“It’s -” Beau sighed heavily, her hand lifting and moving in a gesture that Yasha knew to mean ‘forget about it’. But she couldn’t forget about it. She could still see the light leaving the monk’s eyes, could taste the saltiness of the tears that had fallen from her own, could hear the screams inside her own head as she had desperately tried to fight Obann’s control. 

“I’ve told you before, Yasha. It’s okay. It’s - water under the bridge” she shrugged, averting her eyes and moving her arms so that they would block Yasha’s view of the scar. 

“Water under the bridge?” Yasha asked quizzically, her eyes leaving Beau’s torso and instead meeting the blue of the monk’s gaze. 

“Uh yeah it’s like - I don’t know. A figure of speech or something?” she tried to explain. 

Sometimes she forgot that Yasha was from Xhorhas, that the two of them had lived such different lives in many ways, and that sometimes the things they said, or the way they acted, didn’t quite make sense to one another. 

“Oh” Yasha nodded, a small smile spreading on her face and honestly it was fucking adorable the way her eyes lit up. 

Wait. Why the fuck were her eyes lighting up?

“Like ‘I killed my whole family, I’ll throw you under a bridge’?” she asked and this time it was Beau’s turn to look at her with wide eyes. 

“What the -” she furrowed her brow, studying Yasha’s oddly bright expression considering the words that had just left her mouth. “No, what?” Beau’s eyebrow rose as she studied the taller woman confusedly. 

“A figure of speech. Nott - Veth - told me it...a long time ago” Yasha shrugged innocently. 

“I don’t -” Beau shook her head, trying to understand the words Yasha had said. “You killed your family?”

“No. Caleb did…”

“Wha - uh, yeah but what’s that got to do with…” Beau’s words were stuttered as she tried to figure out what the hell the other woman was talking about.

“Honestly I’m not sure” Yasha smiled softly. “It was just something she said a long time ago, and I never did quite understand how you were meant to use it in a sentence but -” she shrugged, eyes meeting Beau’s once more. “So it’s not the same as what you were saying?”

“No,” Beau replied immediately. “Fuck, Yasha. No that’s - I honestly don’t know what the fuck that is” she laughed softly. “I just meant that it’s in the past, it doesn’t matter. I know you didn’t mean to do it, and in the end it all worked out, right?”

“Yeah” Yasha whispered but it didn’t sound convinced so Beau lifted a fist and gently punched Yasha in the shoulder. 

“Right?” she asked once more, eyebrows raised. 

Yasha smiled softly, turned to Beau once more and nodded. “Only if you’re sure”

“I’m sure”

Yasha nodded once more. “I am sorry that I hurt you though, and I’m sorry that I left that scar…” her eyes searched for it once more and Beau instinctively recoiled her arm in the hope of hiding it. 

“S’fine” Beau insisted, “It’s uh - it adds to my aesthetic, right?” she forced a smile, and it was hard to tell if Yasha saw through it or not. “Makes me look tough” she shrugged. 

Yasha said nothing, instead took another sip of her drink then moved as if to leave. 

“We should sleep”

Beau reached out before she could really even think about what she was doing, her hand grasping Yasha’s knee. 

“Stay” she whispered in a voice so soft and gentle that she was sure it was not her own. 

The Aasimar tensed beneath her, and Beau focused on anything but the strong muscle beneath her hand and the thickness of Yasha’s thigh. 

“I uh -” she stumbled over her words, warmth rising over her body. 

How was it that she could address the Bright Queen of the Dynasty, or King Dwendal but faced with her friend, her stunningly beautiful friend, she couldn’t get her words out. 

Yasha’s eyes were on Beau and she was waiting for a reason. A reason that Beau’s mind could not quite form beyond something that sounded a lot like _’don’t leave me’_.

“We uh, we shouldn’t be alone. _You_ shouldn’t be alone” she finally managed to get out. 

Yasha’s eyes softened and her body relaxed a little beneath Beau’s touch. 

“This uh - this tower is pretty fucking awesome” Beauregard shrugged, glancing around at the perfect room that Caleb had conjured for her. “But uh - I think maybe you’re like me...you like being near the others, knowing that you’re not alone…”

Yasha had been quite forthcoming with her words this evening but it seemed now they abandoned her, right when Beau was desperate for her to say something, even if it was that she wanted to be alone and far away from Beau. 

“I uh...I figured we could be that for each other?”

Yasha swallowed, bit her lip and then smiled. 

“I would like that”

Relief flooded through Beau and she let a soft smile cross her own face. 

“Cool. Alright” she nodded, taking a deep breath. 

“Where did you uh -” she gestured aimlessly in front of her. 

She hadn’t thought this through. Was she going to ask Yasha to sleep beside her? In that huge four-poster bed? In the bed with the damn mirror. 

_Fuck, don’t think of the mirror. Don’t think of the -_

Too late, images of the tiny smirk on Yasha’s face as she’d made that joke just a few days ago, flooded Beau’s mind and she could feel herself going red once more. 

“I can sleep anywhere” Yasha responded, bringing Beau back to the present. 

“Right. Yeah, sure” Beau nodded. Weren’t Expositors of the Cobalt Soul supposed to be a little more eloquent? Able to piece together more than one syllable at a time?

Beauregard Lionett was not your ordinary, run of the mill Expositor, she supposed. 

“I could just...uh...here” Yasha gestured to the space she was already in.

“Yeah that sounds...yeah, me too…” Beau lied. 

Sure, she _could_ sleep sat in a chair if she had to. She’d slept in worse places. But there was a ridiculously comfortable bed in just the next chamber. 

A bed that, if she shared it with Yasha, would not need to be half as large as it was because she already knew she would gravitate towards the warmth and comfort of the barbarian. And that would be so embarrassing she would probably have to skip town and never see her friends ever again. And so she absolutely could not even entertain offering to share the bed with Yasha. Not at all. 

“Okay perfect. This is perfect. Let’s just - we’ll stay here” Gods, did Yasha think she was a bumbling idiot? Surely by now. “This is good. I’m too tired to move anyway so -”

Somehow she managed to shut herself up and managed to dare a glance at the other woman, catching an amused smile on the pale face of Yasha. 

“Get some rest, Beau. Something tells me we’re gonna need it” Yasha practically whispered, offering one last smile in Beau’s direction before shifting slightly and resting her head back, eyes falling shut. 

Beauregard watched for a moment before shifting too, curling up into the corner of the couch, trying to put as much distance between herself and her friend as she could. 

She wanted to respect Yasha’s boundaries, even if she so desperately craved the warmth of a body beside her. 

And as she lay there, eyes closed, and the softness of Yasha’s breath the only sound in the room, Beau let her fingers reach down to her stomach, slowly tracing the outline of the thick, and jagged scar left behind by Skingorger. 

In truth, she hated that scar. 

Beau wore her scars with pride, but not this one. This one reminded me of how close they had been to losing Yasha for good. It reminded herself that she hadn’t been enough to bring Yasha back. And now, she feared she would just never be _enough_ for Yasha. 

What would the sweet, gentle, beautiful woman ever see in Beau? She was nothing. Not to someone like Yasha. Perhaps the other woman didn’t know it, but Beau wasn’t stupid, celestial blood ran through the barbarian. She was something more. So much more than Beau could ever hope to be. 

She would never be enough.

And that worry was made stronger just by knowing the way that Yasha looked at the scar. Yasha would never be able to look at Beau without it being a reminder of the pain she had gone through. 

It was ugly, and Yasha was beautiful. 

Yasha would never want her the way that Beau desperately hoped for.

And maybe that hurt more than she’d be willing to admit. But as long as Yasha was happy then that was all that mattered now. 

Because that’s what love was, right?

_Fuck._

_Love._

Is that what this was? 

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it was just an attraction. Attraction mixed with a fuckload of feelings. 

Or maybe it was. It was hard to know. 

Beau and love. They didn’t mix. 

Didn’t mean she didn’t wish they would. 

But historically they had never mixed. Not even her own parents had loved her. 

So why would Yasha?

That didn’t really matter though, did it? Not in the grand scheme of things. 

Beau felt something for her friend. And maybe it was love, maybe it wasn’t, but she couldn’t ignore it any longer, she couldn’t will it away and honestly - she didn’t want to anymore. 

She liked the way Yasha smiled at her. She liked the way it made her feel. 

It didn’t matter if it was never reciprocated. Beau didn’t want to be scared of the way she felt anymore, she wanted to do whatever it took to make sure that Yasha knew how special she was, and how much she meant to all of them. 

She glanced over at the sleeping frame of the barbarian, eyes falling to Yasha’s hand that rested in the space between them, and decided to be brave. Letting out a soft breath Beau reached out, and let her fingers tangle with Yasha’s. 

And if she smiled brightly when Yasha gently squeezed her hand in her sleep, well, no one was here to see it.


End file.
